Watching 'Thor' with my Dad, part 1

Dad: LOOK THERE HE IS

Me: Dad, you're really beginning to worry me. It's like all of Tumblr escaped from the internet and took possession of your body. I don't know whether to call an exorcist or the Geek Squad.

Dad: SHH TOM IS TALKING.

Me: *facepalm*

Dad: Wow, he's so different from how he is in The Avengers.

Me: Yeah.

Dad: OH NO WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO HIM?!

Me: I've moved on from worry to total fear.

Dad: What is their problem?! Why are they all so mean to Loki?

Me: Well, it's-

Dad: Because they're all ASSHOLES, that's why.

Me: ...

Dad: They oughta call that place Assholegard.

Me: ...

Dad: Assholegard: that's where they live.

Dad: OH NO LOKI DON'T CRY

Me: Dad, you are terrifying me.

Dad: Look how sad he is! HIS WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE AND HE'S SO SAD.

Me: I regret the day I ever spoke Tom Hiddleston's name in your hearing.

Dad: How can he look that pretty when he cries? He must be part angel or something.

Me: Please stop.

Dad: Natalie Portman sure is cute.

Me: *sigh of relief*

Dad: OH MY GOD LOKI'S THE KING NOW.

Me: ...

Dad: ...Why is he sitting like that?

Me: I have no flipping idea. That's just how Tom sits. Movies, interviews, whatever, he just splays out like his thighs hate each other.

Dad: Maybe he's compensating for his tiny ass. Like, the area of contact between his ass and the chair would ordinarily be too small to keep him upright, so he spreads his legs apart in order to stabilize his balance.

Me: I cannot believe some of the things that come out of your mouth.